I'm the schizophrenic psycho

Yep... great song... and so very true for me with finding my trigger foods and keeping myself healthy.

I realized today that I just keep sabotaging myself - well, I didn't just realize that today... but I think I have figured out why today.

I want to be normal.

I know that certain foods, as yet to be fully determined, cause my skin to erupt in abnormal ways. I know that the longer I stay on my normal course of eating, which excludes gluten, grains, legumes, and tomatoes, not to mention processed foods, I will heal my skin and have fewer extreme eruptions. And this is NOT hard to do. After just a few weeks of eating a paleo (which is what I'm on) diet, excluding processed foods with more than about 3 ingredients (except for those I process myself!) and staying away from the sugary treats, the crazy needs and food cravings just whisked right away. I truly don't feel those needs anymore.

Then why you ask, did you eat ice cream today? And, pizza last week, as well as ice cream and Auntie Anne's pretzels...

I refer you back to the title of this posting... I'm the schizophrenic psycho.

I don't get the cravings in that same sense as I used to. I do want to be able to just chuck all the special diets - be able to know that if I'm invited to someone's house for dinner that I can eat anything that is placed in front of me without having to ask how it was prepared. I crave to be normal. I crave the ability to just pull something off the shelf and eat it without wondering what the consequences to my skin will be. But... in truth, it is not just about my skin anymore. The more I learn about the food industry and the way our food is "created", the more I am scared to eat anything that I don't know exactly where it came from and what it ate (or whether it had chemicals sprayed on it)!

But, back to the schizo part of this all. I believe that a large part of my sabotage has to do with the "what does it matter" attitude. This frame of mind is brought on in a couple of ways - the major way being after I have stepped outside of my "normal" diet and eaten something that I am avoiding due to the health of my skin. When I start to feel the breakout coming on (and, if you have this disease, you know exactly what I'm talking about! The itching or the actual pressure-point pain that some of these can elicit with the wrong move of your skin/body) my head starts to figure -- why shouldn't I take advantage of the fact that I've already got the eruptions boiling (pun intended) away and have something else I haven't had in a while. What could it hurt at this point? Yes, I think about the fact that I will have to go a few weeks more before I break away from the addiction that these foods elicit the moment you ingest them... and I think... "ah, what the hell. I might as well do it now rather than go another month on my regular diet and then 'allow' myself something because I didn't now and then it will be like wasted time." That's my reasoning. And it's pretty sound reasoning, if I do say so myself.

The second way the "what does it matter" attitude is brought on is through depression. The thought that no matter how long I continue on trying to locate the specific foods that trigger my Hidradenitis that I won't be fully healed... that I won't find someone out there who loves me for who I am (scars and all), that I won't lose the weight that I need to lose to feel comfortable in my body, that money issues will always be hovering over my head, that... anything that can bring on self-pity.....

I'm fighting the self-pity, depression "what does it matter" attitude as much as possible but the monster does get out sometimes... and that's why I had Auntie Anne's pretzels last week, which spurred the "what does it matter - I've already stepped outside my normal food regime" so I had pizza and ice cream! And again ice cream this week... because the breakout under my right breast is going to be an ugly, ugly thing (it already is) and the one brewing on the back of my left thigh is painful yet unseen at the moment.

I know that I have less trouble with this when eating Paleo. I know that gluten laden products and processed foods cause issues for my skin. And now I know that dairy (at least ice cream) gives me some unbelievable intestinal gas that just farts up a storm INSIDE MY BELLY! I hear it and feel it and then about 3 hours later it gets far enough through my system to expel the gas outside! Oh my! I do like ice cream... but not enough for the pain that comes with that gas that is stuck inside my system!

So what am I going to do now that I've realized why I do some of the things that I do? I'm going to try harder to whack that voice down when it pipes up asking for something that I know doesn't work for me. How am I going to deal with being invited to someone's house for dinner? Well, when I'm invited I will go and I will be a great guest and I will do what it takes to be satisified... which may mean eating dinner before I go so that I don't have to worry about being hungry with nothing that I can eat in front of me. But, for the most part, all of my friends know what I'm doing and they understand... so most likely I will be able to discuss the menu with them before I attend!

It is work, but I tell you, it is worth it... the pain that I am experiencing right now from the open wound under my right breast is less than I've had before... but it is more than I want to experience ever again.

Today I have an appointment with my dermatologist at Hershey Medical. I didn't make the appointment because I was breaking out (dermatologists are booked about 5 months in advance!) but because my FMLA documents needs to be updated. Every year I have to get these filled out for my work or else ... and I can't lose my job ... so it's off to Hershey I go to get checked out... have the doctor say, "yep, you have Hidradenitis Suppurativa. There's no cure. Get some hibiclens. Good luck." Yeah, just what I want to hear! Fortunately for me, it is just for the paperwork and then I'm back to eating for healthy skin!