Based on the title of this post you may think that this weekend was a bust for my Paleo diet and for my Whole30... and - you'd be right!
Friday night when I got home from work I was, for some reason, food-needy. I wasn't particularly hungry but I was picking. I really didn't have anything in the house... I ended up eating half a box of raisins and half a bag of Enjoy Life Mini Chocolate chips. That was the sugar I was craving... but then I still had a "need" for something else. I really wanted pizza... but my experience with pizza in South Central PA has not be great. Really, when Pizza Hut is better pizza than most of the pizzerias in the area, you know you have a problem!
So I decided I'd head to the health food store instead of trying to sate my need. I somehow ended up talking myself out of the drive at rush hour (5pm) and went instead to WalMart! I got some sweet potatoes and cage free eggs and bananas. Big trip for WalMart, I know! But it also served as a car trip for my sweet doggie, Sadie. She loves to go in the car and since she was waiting in the car I didn't want to spend an hour in WalMart trying to see if they actually had anything healthy for me!
But... right at the end of the cash register was my next fail! Auntie Anne's Pretzels... I walked out of there with a cup of cinnamon sugar sticks and ate every one of them!
You'd think that I'd then be done with sabotaging myself... and you'd be wrong! On Saturday when I got up I intended things to be different for the day... but I still had that hankering for pizza. I hate having that need because of the aforementioned icky pizza in PA. If I'm going to go outside of my normal foods - the foods that are helping me to heal my body - then I want it to be damn good... not just good, but DAMN! good!
I was picking in the house all day - besides 4 eggs and pork sausage for breakfast, I had a whole avocado, I had a mango, I ate all 4 of the bananas I had bought between Friday night and Saturday afternoon (this is why I stopped buying bananas!), I had a turkey burger and I was even tempted to make a boxed mix of something that I happened to find in my cupboard just because it was sweet and I knew it would be satisfying... well, I believed it would be satisfying. Fortunately I was able to talk myself out of that nastiness! I should throw it away, but I hold on to it just in case I need to make something to take somewhere that non-Paleo folks will be eating. I did manage to make a cocoa pudding with coconut milk and raw cacao and a little honey... yup, fail on the sugar again!
I decided to take a drive - again to get away from the temptation of bad stuff and to take the dog for a drive! I went to a farm stand that I visit often... and I told the woman who runs it about my "need"... she suggested I just get a couple of slices - you see, I had shared my reasoning that if I order a pizza, I will eat the whole thing - if not for dinner the one night, but I would save it for the next day and a trespass on my diet is one thing for one day, but to carry it through to another day is just not acceptable! I contemplated a couple of slices... and I really didn't want Domino's or Pizza Hut! Ick! I contemplated Taco Bell as well! Boy do I love Taco Bell! But beans are so very very destructive to my skin. I just couldn't do that to myself. Tomatoes and dairy? Well, tomatoes I believe are a factor, not fully vetted. Dairy, I'm still checking this month... wheat... yeah, I believe so but not even proved like beans have been!
I did remember a pizzeria that I had seen tucked in and sort of hiding out of site in the next town over, Emigsville. Mamma's Pizza. Thank you Mamma's! I got 2 slices of pepperoni pizza and it was wonderful! They were HUGE slices and I probably could've gotten away with just one, but they were both excellent!
Now, you're probably thinking that I was so full after my pizza and satisified as well, that I couldn't want for more? Wrong. Later in the night, about 8:00pm or so, I got a hankering again... for something that I just couldn't pin my tastebuds on... so, the only thing I had that was healthy to make was coconut oil chocolate. So that's what I did... but I added brown rice syrup to it and so I failed on sugar again! I only had a taste of it before going to bed on Saturday night because I wanted it to harden a bit. I put it in the freezer so that I could just take a little every now and again - which is what I normally do with this treat... this morning, as soon as I got up I broke off a piece of that baby... and it was SO good! I ended up breaking it in half and eating a whole half of this chocolate! This was round the size of a salad plate! Now I feel sick. That was too much sweet and cacao and coconut oil!
Why is it that it takes me until I'm sick or stuffed or disgusted to break free of a frenzy? I don't know but I'm working on this. I am only human. I will not feel guilty nor hate myself for this failure. That only brings more stress which causes outbreak just as easily as if I had eaten a couple of bowls of bean soup!
What have I learned from this? The bottom line is that I am human. Food is tempting and there are times that I will be tempted and follow through. I cannot berate myself, or others, for liking the taste of certain foods. Our tastebuds and our upbringing have forged our wants and needs. It may take forever to change my eating 100% - and it still may not be perfect.
Now - let's see if a breakout is coming! I was already seeing a recurring lump in a highly private spot... and one under my left breast and at my underwear line - which, I have to say, was a determining factor with following through on my "needs"... if I had be free and clear, I would have had more determination to stay free of the foods that exacerbate this condition... knowing I had at least one BIG baby coming out and a couple of others as well... well, that sort of gave me license to break out of "good" eating habits... but, I'm my own boss... I can do what I want... I'm the one to pay the consequences and I'm the one to reap the benefits... I'm happy I had the pizza - it broke me out of the need to have pizza for a long time to come now!
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